When Christ Lives With Your Family
When Christ Lives With Your Family
Sermons on Marriage and Family Life by Rev. Ken Behnken
2. A MARRIAGE THAT LASTS. Matthew 19:1-8
An institution in trouble
– the necessity of divorce laws
– "not this way from the beginning"
- customs may vary; God is constant
Investments that make a marriage last:
– commit yourselves to surviving bad times
– commit yourselves to pursuing good times
– express your love and appreciation
– build your relationship on trust
– practice forgiving love
– make Christ a "third party" in your marriage
A divine institution
– for society's stability
– for our enjoyment and blessing
When I was a teenager my friends and I thought it was pretty clever to say, "Marriage is an institution – and who wants to live in an institution?" It seems there are plenty of people in America who agree with that. Almost 40% of today's marriages end in divorce. And what many of us thought would be a fad – living together without being married – is continuing. Across our country between five and six million couples are living together as "husband and wife" in every respect except in the public acknowledgment of their relationship in marriage.
The institution of marriage seems to be in trouble – but it need not be so far as you and I are concerned. Not if we will recognize it for what it is and then work at making it everything it should be.
This text surprises some people by revealing that there were laws governing divorce in the Old Testament's civil code. But Jesus explained that Moses allowed divorce and gave instructions regarding divorce "because the people's hearts were hard." Moses was political leader as well as religious leader – and it is a political reality that governments must have laws that allow and regulate divorce. Sociologically, it results in turmoil and instability when people who don't want to be married are forced to remain married. But Jesus also explained, "It was not this way from the beginning." As we saw from our look at Genesis last Sunday, in marriage God unites two into one – and his ideal is that this oneness continue throughout life. For those who see marriage as just a human social institution the government must have laws that allow divorce. But for us, who want to understand God's will in our lives – what was in his mind from the beginning – and want even more to implement his will in our lives, Jesus' words provide understanding and present us with a challenge: "What God has joined together let man not separate."
The customs that attach themselves to marriage – engagement, betrothal, the wedding ceremony, and such – may vary from time to time and place to place. But Jesus helps us understand that the institution of marriage itself is God-ordained. God, his uniting us in marriage, taking two and making them one, is the constant. And the challenge before us is to invest ourselves in our marriages in such ways that, with God's help, they will be marriages that last.
The first investment in that kind of marriage is the investment of commitment. Too many buy into the "true romance" idea that love is something that happens to you, when you are smitten, when you "fall" for someone. The emphasis is on the feeling of being "in love". Now, there's nothing wrong with the feeling of being in love. I still enjoy the thrill of being in love with Eunice – and I can't imagine a young couple getting married without feeling that they are in love. But if being "in love" is the primary base of a marriage you end with marriage promises like "We will be husband and wife as long as we feel that we love each other." That kind of commitment is limited by how good your spouse makes you feel – and will fail to get you through the times when feelings are diminished by the pressures of living, or the times when you actually are bothering each other and making each other angry. I like the wedding vows in the form that I use with couples. Each in turn says to the other: "I take you to be my wife (my husband) from this day forward, to join my life with yours and to share all that is to come. And with the help of God I promise to be faithful to you and to cherish you as he gives us life together." If a marriage is to last, there must be commitment that is not limited by "as long as you make me feel good". It requires commitment to work together to survive also the bad times.
That is easier if there is also a mutual commitment to pursuing good times together. We can so easily get into a rut of routine, especially when our circumstances require that both husband and wife work outside the home. Then day after day and week after week can pass by without the release of enjoyable times together. Planning an occasional night out together or a weekend away does a lot to renew enjoyment in a marriage. Developing similar interests and pursuing activities you both enjoy are a key to strengthening your relationship. It has been said that the enjoyment of love in marriage is not just a matter of looking at each other with love's light in your eyes, but is also standing side by side, looking out together at family and friends and activities that you share together. For Eunice and me, much of our togetherness activity has revolved around the church. One reason I sing with our choir is that it is a meaningful activity that Eunice and I can do together. When I retire we hope to sing together in the Concordia University Lutheran Chorale. A commitment to pursuing good times together helps to make marriages last.
A third investment is one that is a rather modern emphasis. I don't think you would have heard it in a sermon about marriage 50 years ago. It involves our learning to express our love and appreciation. Sometimes nowadays it is called "giving strokes" – making your partner feel good by giving sincere compliments.
This is not always easy to do. There is a story about a reticent old Norwegian, whose wife was recognized and honored by friends in the church for her many acts of kindness and Christian charity. Later, the old man was telling a friend about it. "I was so proud of my wife," he said, "and I was so filled with love for her that I almost told her."
In Proverbs we are told, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a bowl of silver." Well said Thank-yous, genuine compliments, words of encouragement and congratulations, expressions of pride in your partner's accomplishments, just saying "I love you" – such words fitly spoken can make a marriage like apples of gold in a bowl of silver. Ladies, do you let your husband know you value him and are proud of him by complimenting him at appropriate times? Really, a man will do almost anything to live up to the good image his wife has of him. Men, the writer of Proverbs 31:29 wrote to his wife: "Many women are good wives, but you are the best of all." Do you let your wife know that you appreciate all she does to manage your household, that you value her and are thankful that God gave her to you? Start today. Speaking compliments to your spouse instead of criticisms goes a long way toward making a marriage lasting – and enjoyable.
A fourth investment: build your relationship on trust. Your commitment is not only to your own faithfulness, but also to trust your partner's faithfulness. Trust respects the individuality of the spouse and gives freedom in which that individuality may be developed and expressed – all the while respecting his or her commitment to your marriage. Trust is especially needed today, when in so many marriages both husbands and wives devote so much of their time and energies to separate work worlds.
There is an element of risk in this. Sometimes people do violate that trust and hurt their partners – and in such instances judgment may have to be turned over to God. But jealously tying your spouse to you with a short tether that limits his or her personal development will also effectively deaden the relationship you are trying to nourish. Trust underscores the personal commitment that is required in a lasting marriage.
The fifth investment that will help your marriage be a marriage that lasts is the practice of forgiving love. This should be obvious to us as Christians and church members. Every time we get together here we confess our sins and ask God to assure us again that we are forgiven. It should hardly escape our awareness, then, that our marriages need the practice of forgiving love. Every marriage is the union of two sinners. We bring our faults and failings right with us into our marriages – and sometimes, it seems, we lazily allow them to get worse when we settle into our marriage and begin to take our spouses for granted.
Every marriage has its times of irritation and disappointment and anger. The important thing is that we not perpetuate such feelings – carry them over and pout about them day after day. They must be confessed, brought out into the open, where we can apologize to each other and forgive each other. Paul wrote, "Be angry, but do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger." It's good, practical advice for a marriage. Whatever is irritating cannot be allowed to carry over to the next day, for it will be harder to deal with then. Speak forgiveness and the assurance of continued love before you go to sleep.
Then the trick is to add forgetting to your forgiving. One man told a friend, "I can't stand to argue with my wife. Every time we fight she gets historical." "Don't you mean hysterical?" his friend asked. "No, I mean historical. She drags up everything from the past and holds it against me." Paul wrote: "Love does not keep a record of wrongs." Practice forgiving love – and, as much as possible, forgetting love – if you want your marriage to last.
Finally, invest yourselves in the One who makes all this possible. It is said that Jesus is the only "third party" who can be part of a marriage union and strengthen it instead of breaking it up. It is his love that has made us Christians. It is his love that will make our marriages Christian marriages. Today in American society four out of ten marriages end in divorce. But in the marriages of Christians, in which husbands and wives practice their faith together, read Scripture together, pray together, and worship together, there is only one divorce in 400 marriages. Isn't it obvious who provides the glue in a marriage that lasts?
Marriage is more than a human sociological institution. It is a divine institution. A secular society, of course, has to provide laws that make divorce possible for those who will not recognize this, or for those who are not able to implement its truth in their lives. Sometimes also Christians must utilize these laws when their marriages fail – but ordinarily we don't need them. We are subject to – and the beneficiaries of – a higher law as we work with our Lord to enjoy marriages that last.
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